Little Postpartum Things

Little miss Magnolia Jane will be one month old tomorrow. I thought it to be a good time to chat with y’all about what’s been going on in the Shoener-Brown-Fitzgerald household since she was born.

• I gained a lot of weight this pregnancy. By the end I was 215. I weighed myself this past weekend and was down to 190. My end goal is 120. Wish me luck.
• I scheduled my first postpartum audition and sang at the Townhouse.
• Freddy was mostly afraid of Maggie when we brought her home. It took him days to really acknowledge or touch her. Then he started telling us to “put it down” and “put the Mags to bed” when he wanted us to play with him. Finally, last night, he gave her a tiny kiss on her head before he went up to bed.
• Maggie and I have thrush. Kill me. I’m being dramatic, but, you know. I can.
• Maggie is real gassy. And seems to have reflux. (We have a pediatrician appointment tomorrow.) She’s been crying inconsolably whenever she’s awake since Sunday. I had already cut cruciferous veggies (think broccoli, brussels sprouts, etc) and coffee, and now I must cut chocolate and dairy. My brother had milk sensitivities as an infant, and so did Corey and one of his brothers, so it’s not too far-fetched to think Maggie could as well. In case you were wondering, I really enjoy eating all the things on that list. I am currently on day two of no dairy. Tomorrow is day one of no chocolate. It’s a lot, but it will be worth it to ease her discomfort. If we see significant improvement from cutting dairy, I may try to put the veggies back in and see what happens. We’ll see.
• The cats love her.
• We took her to her first pumpkin patch/farm experience with Corey’s family – it was a delight.
• She weighed in at the birthing center at 11lbs, 4 oz. It was a comfort to know that she’s at least still gaining weight like a true champion. We met a little two month old at the farm, and Maggie was bigger than her… haha! Nuts.
• We are doing all we can to keep postpartum depression away, from both Corey and myself. We have a wonderful postpartum doula who has been a great help to us.
• Maggie dislikes swaddling and bath time. She likes showers, however. She is very particular about what position she wants to be in, and lets you know right away if you are doing it wrong.
• She is very cute.

Talk soon, friends!

The Birth of Magnolia Jane

This will be a story of comparisons.

Freddy’s pregnancy: minimal morning sickness – mostly an aversion to eggs, cravings for extra crispy hashbrowns with ketchup AND brown gravy, stretch marks at 40 weeks on the dot, felt pretty mcdecent

Maggie’s pregnancy: morning sickness all the way into the middle of the second trimester, back to back yeast infections (if that’s tmi, sorry, but it’s real life), SPD, exhausted beyond belief

When I had Freddy, it was magical. One of those ‘breathe the baby out’ situations. Heck, I was even cracking jokes as he was crowning! Not so with miss Maggie.

Prodromal labor with her starting on August 20th. I hadn’t experienced this with Freddy, so I was basically on the alert for labor unnecessarily at all times from that date forward. My water did not break until the morning of September 13th. I had some contractions around dinnertime that faded away, only to return in full force around 11pm. They were still 8-10 minutes apart, but they were very intense, so I made the choice to go into the birthing center.

We arrived at Roots at midnight. Karen, my doula, met us there. I walked up the stairs to the birthing suite and saw Jahan and Holly, my midwives. I was delighted. Holly and Karen were both at Freddy’s birth, so that in itself was special. Jahan was (at the time) a student midwife, and throughout Maggie’s pregnancy we really bonded. Corey and I loved the crap outta her. So essentially, we had our perfect birth team.

We hooked up my labor playlist and I started bopping around the room, singing and stretching and squatting — essentially just doing whatever I thought might feel good. I got into the tub preeeetty early on. I knew what I wanted, and my back was hurting so much already. I felt like the urge to push came pretty quickly as well. Corey said I was pushing for about two hours. I felt like I was giving it my all, but nothing was happening. I felt like she wasn’t moving at all. Holly asked if I wanted Jahan to see if she could feel anything, which I did. As it turns out, I had a lip on my cervix that wasn’t feeling like going away, due to Mags being crooked. Jahan pushed it back through a few contractions. Now, I’ve read several different accounts of this procedure since then, and they all said it’s supposed to be “excruciating” and “worse than the rest of labor.” Man, my back was hurting so. much. that I honestly couldn’t feel what she was doing. Small blessings? Haha.

With Freddy’s labor, I made almost no noise. With Maggie, I was roaring like a cave woman, or perhaps some creature possessed. I mean, at one point I literally yelled, “MAGNOLIA JANE, GET OUT!!!!!” I was having trouble channeling my pushing to the right area of my body (in fact, I was writhing in pain with every contraction re: back pain), so Holly suggested Corey and I play tug of war. They placed suction cup handles on either side of the tub, which I placed my feet on. Then, they rolled up a sheet and gave one end to Corey, and one end to me. With each contraction I pulled on that sheet like my life depended upon it. Like, my face is slightly numb and my eyes are beginning to pop out level physical exertion. Not long after we introduced tug of war, Maggie was born. Not only was she crooked — she decided to cock her head off to the side for crowning. HOWEVER. I did not tear. I started to, but didn’t fully and did not need any stitches. (Thank you Lord, thank you Lord!!)

Throughout the entire process, Corey was my superhero. He was so sweet the whole time. I could see how concerned he was for me in his eyes. He didn’t leave my side. He anticipated my needs. He held my hand. He’s a hell of a partner. And a hell of a daddy. I fall in love with him more every day when I watch him hold Maggie and talk to her.

Anyway, we got there at midnight, and miss Maggie Jane was born on September 14th at 4:06 a.m, 9lbs 5oz, 20 inches. Corey’s parents had driven from WI when my water broke, so they headed to the birthing center right away to meet her. Karen made Corey and I some bacon veggie stir fry, and it was amazing (thanks Karen!). Holly gave me pitocin after the birth to help with my clotting. Maggie latched onto the breast like a champion, I was healthy, and we were able to go home within a few hours. We arrived back at our house at 7:30 a.m.

Some postpartum stuff: Maggie didn’t lose any of her birth weight. She weighed in a week after birth at 10 lbs, and then at two weeks 10 lbs, 9oz. Hooray! She has a lip and tongue tie, but breastfeeding seems to be going just fine despite some initial latching issues. Corey’s parents stayed for almost a week to help us out after the birth (they are possibly actual saints), and returned the following week for two days. My mama also came down to help and visit. My postpartum doula, Diane, has been wonderful lactation support and has provided tons of resources for Corey and I.

This was a very challenging labor for me, but I wouldn’t change a thing. It changed my life, once again. And this time, I really felt like I totally exceeded what I previously thought my physical limitations were. I feel like a warrior.

Here’s some photos for you!

In Which I Rant About a Number of Things

Lots kickin’ around in the brain lately.

Self-judgement. Jealousy. Being secure in your own journey, and knowing it does not (and SHOULD not) look like anyone else’s. And a big one: Parenting guilt.

This is going to be a bit of a rambling post. I don’t really feel like being concise today. And I might swear a little. Or a lot.

If you see someone is happy in one facet of their life, it will be better for your mental health to not take it as a dig at you or your life. I know it can be hard not to feel less than, especially if we convince ourselves that life milestones need to happen in a certain order or at specific times. Society perpetuates the shit out of that narrative, and the reasoning is that it sells things. But it isn’t actually real. No one’s timeline is the same. Forcing things in your timeline will not make you happy in the long run. Not getting the things you deeply desire at a young age does not mean you will miss out on them. And please don’t mistake me – I’m not writing this to preach at anyone. This is for me just as much as it is for anyone else.

I feel like there is always so much mindset work to be done. I catch myself getting defensive in my head when people make simple comments about their own interests. One time I had a friend make a comment about fashion, and I was overwhelmed with the need to explain that I dress the way I dress because there isn’t money for much right now. Why did I feel the need to say that? Because I see the space between where I am and where I want to be, and in that moment, I was shaming the shit out of myself for not being further along my own ideal path. My feelings had nothing to do with her. And usually, that’s the way it goes. I feel like if we could be more honest and open about this kind of thing, a lot of friendships could be saved. Not talking about your feelings isn’t an asset or a sign of strength. It’s isolation culture and that shit is killing us.

You want me to be vulnerable? Sure, man. I have no idea which path I want to take in my career life. None. Zero. I have about a thousand interests, and no bearing on what I like best. I’m starting to realize and uncover that my life is meant for a hodge-podge career built of many things at once, and it has taken me a long time to not fear possible judgement on that. My path is my own. I embrace this. Another thing that makes me feel less than is the fact that I am not meant to be a stay-at-home mother. I love my children fiercely, but my sole fulfillment is not found in them. It feels impossible to be pulled so strongly in two different directions sometimes, but I would be living inauthentically to turn from either path. Does this mean I feel like SAHMs are less than? Achieving less? Hell no! All experience is unique. I bless your path just as much as I bless mine. I believe we can all make it to our ideal finish lines.

I’ve had people talk down to me about some of my parenting choices. The more I think about it, the more I think that just stems from them wanting to validate their own choices by way of attempting to ridicule me. Or act like the authority about it. Something like that. But like? Parents? Cut that shit out, man. We are all just trying to do right by our children. We are choosing what we think will make them happiest, safest, well-adjusted, etc. And you know what else? That is not the same for anyone.  What makes me happy isn’t going to make you happy, and it is the same with our very different children. So why is everyone trying so hard to bash one another into that pretty little, non-existent picture of “perfect” parenting?! That’s not a thing. Breastfeeding? Bottle feeding? Circumcising? Not? A parent staying at home full time? Both parents working full time? All these things that are big decisions, yeah? I know I didn’t and don’t take any of them lightly. I know that I have thought and researched a great deal before coming to my own decisions on what works best for my family. But you know what else I know? I know that I don’t feel like what’s best for my kiddo is what’s best for yours. I know that (excluding situations of abuse, obviously), you are trying to do right by your children. And goddammit, I respect the hell out of that. Parenting doesn’t come with a step-by-step instruction manual.

I guess what I am getting at in general is that I think we all need to focus a lot more on our own journeys, and give the big ol’ middle finger to comparison. Because, someone else’s journey is not meant for us.

And now for a series of pictures that I did not make.

 

July Goals and Affirmations

“My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to find peace with exactly who and what I am. To take pride in my thoughts, my appearance, my talents, my flaws and to stop this incessant worrying that I can’t be loved as I am.” — Anaïs Nin

Things are changing rapidly in my life, and it is a little hard to keep up with. But, it is exciting.

Goals:

• Finish painting the kitchen
• Paint the living room
• Clean out upstairs closet and use for baby things
• Be more giving of my time to my friendships and in general – practice the law of Giving and Receiving

Affirmations:

• My body is healthy and supports me in every way
• Breastfeeding will help me to lose weight postpartum
• My family has the funds it needs in excess
• The career life I desire, whether or not I can clearly envision it, is on the way in perfect timing and will be the perfect fit for me
• I am a patient and present mother

Things to remember:

• Everyone you meet is doing their best, and the overwhelming majority has good intentions
• Focus more on what is good than what is unresolved or not ideal  – and lots of things are good
• For those I have had conflict with, I will consciously hold them in a good mental space each day and continuously wish them well

I am trying to figure out my career path, because if any of you know me, you know I have a very difficult time releasing control in totality. So I have to do SOMEthing. For those who are curious, here is a non-exhaustive list of my interests:

• Musician
• Actor
• Photographer
• Doula
• Wedding planner
• Virtual assistant
• Writer/blogger
• Run an air B&B
• Healer
• Unity pastor
• Life coach
• Counselor
• Non-profit work
• Playwright
• Director

For a long while, I was restricting myself by thinking whatever I did would have to all tie together in one neat little business package, but I have since released that thinking. I’m pretty sure the a la carte or build-a-career route is far more my style.

Until next time, cheers!

The Path to Sustainability

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Lately I have been feeling a particular motivation to make my life more environmentally-friendly than it is. I also find myself frustrated by the amount of things I have that I do not love. So those are another two goals I’m slowly working toward:

1. Make home more sustainable
2. Get rid of things I hate or even dislike, replace with things I love and will continue to love

These goals are going to be a bit of a slow burn, since both things require money to complete. However! I did kick it off by buying a set of glass food containers. They were on sale for $29 somethin’, so I grabbed them. I’ve got so many lists between Amazon and Etsy, so I’ll spare you from having to read all the items. I’ll just share a few.

• Home brewing glass bottles (for kombucha)
• Reusable silicon baking cups
• Cute metal pantry
• Stretch silicon reusable food wraps
• Unpaper towels

My work has also kindly allowed me to borrow one of the sewing machines, which I am intending to learn how to use this summer. I found two very cute baby tutorials I would like to try in addition to finishing my rocking chair reupholster.

We’ve been using the homemade laundry detergent for about four days now, and it’s working great!

That’s what’s new for now. Catch y’all later.

I Am Changing

Here is a short list of things I have done lately that are all new for me:

• Ate a breakfast sandwich on an everything bagel with an over medium egg, avocado, peppers, onion, tomato, mayo, hot sauce, and bacon.
• Ate mushrooms
• Stopped eating after 9pm consistently
• Tried eggplant (not offensive) and black olives (offensive)
• Cooked at home every single day of the week
• Made my own laundry detergent
• Started brewing kombucha
• Planted peppers and onions
• Chatted with a health and wellness coach

Obligatory Mushy Post

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Life is a series of small adjustments. Some of those adjustments can bring great joy along with them.

Corey moved in with us this past weekend. There are already so many tiny differences in my life. Our life. For example, we took a nap at the same time as Freddy the other day, and when he got up, Corey went to get him out of bed. ??? I didn’t have to get out of bed right away. Such a small, but noticeable and welcomed kindness. He has stepped wholeheartedly into the fatherhood role with Freddy, and the little dude loves him so much. We are quite balanced as a parenting team. He has patience in places I lack it and vice versa.

We cook breakfast together. He’s very good at coaxing me to try different foods than I would normally eat on my own. Can you believe I actually ate an over medium egg? Me! Eating an egg other than a scrambled one. Hot dang. I also ate a variety of vegetables on a breakfast sandwich. Amazing.

He’s kind and considerate. He says thank you for things he doesn’t need to say it for, because he  “wants to keep the love and appreciation flowing.” It’s such a nice thing. It’s going so well. I can’t tell you how happy and thankful I am. This was worth the wait.

Onward and Upward

Sometimes all it takes is one thing in your life changing for you to feel rejuvenated. I have regained my motivation, and my spirit dances today.

Life is good. Look for the things that are good and focus in on them, hard.

Let It Be

Have you ever read The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz? It’s a good one, if you haven’t.

The Four Agreements are:

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

I can confidently say that numbers 2 and 3 are the most difficult for me. I take a lot personally and I make assumptions often – mostly assumptions about how people feel about me.

I have been making a point to consciously remind myself that the actions of others have nothing to do with me and that I need to react to situations that arise as if I truly believe that. I have also been taking stock of what is important to me. What activities, relationships, work, and material items do I want to have in my life/do I want to give attention to? It’s a good thing. I feel it leading me to a clearer picture of the life I am headed for.

As an update, I have cut sugar almost entirely. Day two. I’ve not succeeded in cutting it from my coffee, but I have downsized the amount that I put in my coffee. I am also not eating after 9pm each day, and have upped my water intake significantly.

Until next time, friends.

Re-evaluations.

I have some interests that I didn’t have before.

• I want to learn how to sew well
• I want to be able to build things

Well, I guess I’ve always had a vague interest in carpentry, but never enough to actually start a project. I’m still toying with what I want my first project to be, so stay tuned there. In adventures of sewing, the first thing I intend to tackle is reupholstering my glider! I have a glider from when Freddy was a tiny nug that works perfectly fine, but the cushions are stained and I just don’t find it aesthetically pleasing anymore. I’ve already begun by taking the chair apart and painting it white. Now I’m searching for fabric. The struggle is extremely real, because the cutest fabrics that I adore are also like $15-$19 a yard, and I’m not about that life. I’m probably going to mostly follow along with this tutorial, even though our gliders are slightly different.

This pregnancy has me far more exhausted than my first one ever did. I find myself debating the energy cost of running an errand many times a day. Most of the time, it’s enough just to spend the daytime chasing Freddy around and the evening at work. By the time I get to the weekend I’m a True Zombie. I’m trying to get out and do things despite that, though.

I went to a WIC appointment last week, and the lady told me I was gaining weight too quickly, and condescendingly said, “You know, there are a lot of parks in Minnesota! Do you think you could be active with Freddy and maybe take him to one?” I wasn’t sure if I wanted to punch her or cry, but I’m only offended because I was already insecure about my body. It is what it is. I did work out today (hooray me!), and I’ve made a pact with myself to not eat after 9pm. I know what I want to feel like and look like, and what I should eat like, but Lord mercy if I am not digging in my heels every inch of the way. It’s either commit or continue to feel like shit. That’s it. No other options.

Something in my soul was rising, rising, ceaselessly, painfully, and refused to be still.

—	Fyodor Dostoyevsky